Losing a parent is never easy, and as the first anniversary of my father's passing approaches, I finally felt like I could write about him and the blessings he brought in a way that would honor him.
My dad never knew a stranger. That used to embarrass me at times when I was with him, but now I see that it was one of his best qualities. I admire that he cared enough to get to know someone that he may never see again. Nowadays you see so many self-involved people that don't reach out unless they have something to gain from the encounter. Now as I travel, I find myself feeling compelled to make that same effort. I don't always follow up on the urge, and my boys are probably happy about that, but I often think of my dad when the feeling wells up inside of me.
He was "larger than life" no doubt. Many people in Dallas County, Iowa, knew him and often told me stories about watching him play football or compete in track. Dad was All State in Football in 1956, and he rushed for 1183 yards. He was an All-American. I'm proud of that. Dad was a State Champion in the shot put, runner-up in state in the discus. He also competed in the Drake Relays, as did my sister. That was something he was very proud of!
My dad was a hard-working man, one of the hardest I have ever known, and he played hard, too. I always assumed that was a by-product of growing up the way he did, with a dad who abandoned him and his six brothers and sisters when Dad (the oldest) was in 8th grade. He had a tough go of it, and my Grandmother, who I still miss dearly, did her best as a single mom who worked two jobs to make ends meet, and dad helped put food on the table, too.
Growing up in our family wasn't always ideal, nor was it easy, but my sister and I always knew deep down we were loved. As I look at how I have parented our two boys, I realize some of it is "because" of how I grew up, both the positives and the negatives. I think that's true in lots of families.
Dad was a story-teller in his later years, and he loved to capture the attention of our boys with his stories. They were always colorful and usually filled with humor, and that's how I like to remember him, telling my boys a story and then watching them all laugh!!
Before Dad passed, he moved back to Iowa from Texas, where he had spent the last 20 years. I flew back home to Iowa to help my sister get him settled. His health was certainly not optimal, he was not very ambulatory, and he had a treasure trove of meds. I knew it was difficult for him sometimes, but he always had a jovial attitude and he never let others see him struggling. He would put on his positive attitude and move into his day!!
He was all moved in and I remember thinking that now that he was living near my sister, I would get to spend some quality time with him, and I was looking forward to that.
Two weeks after I got back home, the call came. Dad passed in the middle of the night. I was devastated, as I know all children who lose their parents are. I have thanked God many times for the blessing of time I got with him shortly before he passed.
We flew back to Iowa and celebrated my Dad's life, and I was so grateful to all of the people who came to honor him. It was hard, but I am glad our boys were there to witness so many present who loved him.
In this process, I have learned the words we share with someone who has lost a loved one often don't make sense or are sort of empty, even though they are meant with the best of intentions. I am no expert, as I have found myself at a loss for words when trying to comfort others and saying the very things that I heard at my dad's memorial. I now know that I will be more specific in my words of comfort. Sheryl Sandberg talks about this in one of her Facebook posts, and she is indeed spot on. I took her suggestion and now I just ask, "How are you today?" That's as much as anyone who is experiencing grief and loss can answer, really, because for a while it is just one day at a time.
So a year has passed and I still talk to him, as if he is here with me, witnessing whatever I am doing at that moment. He is in me, always, in the way I love to dance, in the way I love my boys with all of my heart, in the way I try to stay positive in my life. One of the greatest gifts my Dad gave me was introducing me to my husband of 34 years. I like to think he picked him just for me, and he has been such a blessing in my life. Dad knew what kind of a man he was, because he spent time working with him, long before I knew Kevin. I guess it's true... Father really does know best.
TTMAB, Dad.
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