KUMBAYA

Tuesday, November 8, 2016: A day that I will remember for the rest of my life.   She lost.  I was shocked, saddened and in total disbelief that in America a man could say the things he said during the campaign and yet garner the electoral vote of this country.  Our boys, now 25 and 22 were out of town.  I received texts about what in the world happened?  What will this mean for their future and where has our country gone??? After all, Kevin and I have taught them to embrace diversity, to love everyone and to believe that good always wins out.  I was at a loss of anything encouraging to say.  I coud not muster the strength to say, it will be okay, because frankly at that moment I was not sure it ever would be.  I wasn't proud of that.  I felt my job was to help them feel safe.  What I ultimately had to say was exactly what I was feeling. I was honest about how uncertain their dad and I felt and that I wasn't sure where the humanity in people had gone.... and that we loved them very much.  When something so earth-shattering happens, a mom wants all of her chicks in the nest; it's instinctual, I think.  Mine weren't.    
I had a very hard time focusing on Wednesday.  I knew I had to step back, I had to take a breath, unplug and remember all the good things I have in my life.  We decided no television, just calm music and regrouping. That helped.  Old movies were on the agenda, hot tea and staying close to my husband.  
Eventually I reengaged in social media and turned the TV on.  I am awestruck by the number of people that think we should just "get over it" and come together.  Really?  Maybe that's because they knew all along he was just lying to "win" so they didn't believe all of those ugly things he espoused or the venimous spews he engaged in, not to mention making fun of a disabled person or engaging in derrogatory comments about women.  Kevin and I are from the midwest; we take people at their word.  We believe if you speak it, you believe it and so then should we.  This leaves me with the notion that either we are naive, or the folks that voted for him, claiming they do not embrace those same vile statements he made, are.  
This is not a dissertation on Republicans or Democrats for me.  I have many, many friends who I love very much who are Republicans.  I can't say I would feel the same about the "obstructionist" people in the other party that I feel about my friends, ie: Mitch McConnell, Newt Gingrich, but we all must live together. This I know.
I also know that the sun will come up tomorrow and Kevin and I have lived through a few very rough Republican presidents (namely Regan and our first house with interest rates then of 14%) and we are still here.  We survived.  This is the message I have relayed to my boys, after calmness crept over me like a sweet dream, and I so welcomed that.  Yes, we will endure, and we will be okay.  
But that still leaves us with the unsettling feeling for all of those folks who do NOT feel they will be okay.  What of the Mexican immigrants?  What of Muslim people and our LGBTQ community?  We have friends and family members in all of those categories.  Their plight has to be ours and our concern.
The protests should be peaceful, but protesting IS allowed and all should feel the "freedom" to demonstrate as their hearts guide them.  It is our way of saying we disagree, and as Americans we are entitled to that right.  I have seen the outcry on social media of "get over it" "cry babies" and much worse than that, frankly.  If he can incite fear and anger, as he did, he cannot then say, "Let's come together now.  Let's sing "Kumbaya"!  I won!" and expect us all to fall in line.  He could have helped the cause yesterday when he was asked, "Are you sorry for the things you said on the campaign trail?" and he replied, "No.  I won"!  I guess in his world it's win at ALL costs.  That's not my world, which just highlights the great divide between us. 
The racial remarks and hateful language is up 400% since Tuesday, because whether he or any of the folks that voted for him really ascribe to the Xenophobic comments he made, the folks that do feel that way and agree with those comments now feel more free than ever to spit them out whenever they want.  That alone has set us back many years, and it is one of the most disheartening things I have seen and now witnessed with my own eyes and ears. That is sad...
I think now of all of the people in my life who have passed on that were strong Democrats, and I think of how shocked and saddened they would be that THIS is where we are now, a divided country with Americans who feel they don't have a place here, they are afraid, and they feel hated by many who now feel they have been given carte blanche to bully them.
I asked a dear friend if he could share any words of wisdom with me that may help me feel better about where our country is now.  This is what he shared, and this is what I am hanging onto:  "I’m trying to be hopeful that some positive changes may result, and some good will come about, albeit through some rather broken vessels.

I’m going to choose to believe that it is possible and to not lose heart.

We have to pray, be gentle and understanding toward one another and listen!

It is more important to be faithful, than to be right!"  I am using this to guide me.  I am feeling more hope today than yesterday, and I know I have to get past all of this and find the "good" in our fellow men and women once again.  Please, just give us a few minutes.......

Larger than Life

   Losing a parent is never easy, and as the first anniversary of my father's passing approaches, I finally felt like I could write about him and the blessings he brought in a way that would honor him.  
   My dad never knew a stranger.  That used to embarrass me at times when I was with him, but now I see that it was one of his best qualities.  I admire that he cared enough to get to know someone that he may never see again.  Nowadays you see so many self-involved people that don't reach out unless they have something to gain from the encounter.  Now as I travel, I find myself feeling compelled to make that same effort.  I don't always follow up on the urge, and my boys are probably happy about that, but I often think of my dad when the feeling wells up inside of me. 
    He was "larger than life" no doubt.  Many people in Dallas County, Iowa, knew him and often told me stories about watching him play football or compete in track.  Dad was All State in Football in 1956, and he rushed for 1183 yards.  He was an All-American.  I'm proud of that.  Dad was a State Champion in the shot put, runner-up in state in the discus.  He also competed in the Drake Relays, as did my sister.  That was something he was very proud of!  
    My dad was a hard-working man, one of the hardest I have ever known, and he played hard, too.  I always assumed that was a by-product of growing up the way he did, with a dad who abandoned him and his six brothers and sisters when Dad (the oldest) was in 8th grade.  He had a tough go of it, and my Grandmother, who I still miss dearly, did her best as a single mom who worked two jobs to make ends meet, and dad helped put food on the table, too.  
    Growing up in our family wasn't always ideal, nor was it easy, but my sister and I always knew deep down we were loved.  As I look at how I have parented our two boys, I realize some of it is "because" of how I grew up, both the positives and the negatives.  I think that's true in lots of families.
    Dad was a story-teller in his later years, and he loved to capture the attention of our boys with his stories.  They were always colorful and usually filled with humor, and that's how I like to remember him, telling my boys a story and then watching them all laugh!! 
    Before Dad passed, he moved back to Iowa from Texas, where he had spent the last 20 years.  I flew back home to Iowa to help my sister get him settled.  His health was certainly not optimal, he was not very ambulatory, and he had a treasure trove of meds.  I knew it was difficult for him sometimes, but he always had a  jovial attitude and he never let others see him struggling.  He would put on his positive attitude and move into his day!!  
   He was all moved in and I remember thinking that now that he was living near my sister, I would get to spend some quality time with him, and I was looking forward to that.  
   Two weeks after I got back home, the call came.  Dad passed in the middle of the night.  I was devastated, as I know all children who lose their parents are.  I have thanked God many times for the blessing of time I got with him shortly before he passed.
   We flew back to Iowa and celebrated my Dad's life, and I was so grateful to all of the people who came to honor him.  It was hard, but I am glad our boys were there to witness so many present who loved him.  
   In this process, I have learned the words we share with someone who has lost a loved one often don't make sense or are sort of empty, even though they are meant with the best of intentions.  I am no expert, as I have found myself at a loss for words when trying to comfort others and saying the very things that I heard at my dad's memorial.  I now know that I will be more specific in my words of comfort.  Sheryl Sandberg talks about this in one of her Facebook posts, and she is indeed spot on.  I took her suggestion and now I just ask, "How are you today?"  That's as much as anyone who is experiencing grief and loss can answer, really, because for a while it is just one day at a time.
   So a year has passed and I still talk to him, as if he is here with me, witnessing whatever I am doing at that moment.  He is in me, always, in the way I love to dance, in the way I love my boys with all of my heart, in the way I try to stay positive in my life.  One of the greatest gifts my Dad gave me was introducing me to my husband of 34 years.  I like to think he picked him just for me, and he has been such a blessing in my life.  Dad knew what kind of a man he was, because he spent time working with him, long before I knew Kevin.  I guess it's true... Father really does know best.  
TTMAB, Dad.
  
  

What Was I Thinking?

     I couldn't sleep.  Finally at 4:15 am I knew I had to get up and thought I could get a coffee at the shop on the fifth floor and maybe get a jump start on my awaiting transcripts.  I order my coffee, and as I am milling about, discovering all of the goodies the coffee shop has to offer, a young man comes in, I'm guessing 25 or 26, and he orders coffee.  I am trying not to listen, but it's quiet.  It is 4:15 am, remember!  He shares with the Barista that he has a "double" today, which he explains is 16 hours of work, so he needs the cup of coffee to get and keep him going!   He then explains his girlfriend isn't happy because he is working the double.  I remarked, "Well work is important" and he says, "Yeah, I have to bring home money!"
     I smile and say, "Good for you!"  I am thinking I am being encouraging, affirming, at least that's my intent.  As I am then leaving the coffee shop, he goes on to say this is only one of the three -- yes three -- jobs he holds down.  I am headed to the elevator when what comes over me first is an overwhelming sense of relief that I am not him, that I'm lucky I have a job that pays well enough that I don't need two others.  Then comes the feeling of empathy about how tough that must be for him, and then an ah-ha moment that I should NEVER complain about a job, my job, any job again!!
    I'm in the elevator, headed to the 18th floor, thinking about this young man, still, and wondering what his job is.  Is he working in the hotel, or is he just passing through to get coffee?  Then it hits me like a lead balloon:  What was I thinking?  Why didn't I offer to pay for his coffee?   I felt awful, ashamed, that I was so wrapped up in feelings of what I am embarrassed to say was feeling sorry for him that I didn't see for forest for the trees.
    I all too well know, from working with many folks with different physical and mental challenges over the years, that they don't want our pity.   They command simply our respect and consideration.  Well, maybe I would have demonstrated "pity" if I had offered to buy his coffee, but in my heart I felt ashamed that I didn't try.
     Why does it take such a slap in the face for us to feel grateful and blessed for what we have??  As I am there in my warm hotel room drinking my Starbucks, he was heading to a 16-hour shift at a job that most likely paid little more than minimum wage.
     I made a promise to myself in the elevator this morning, at 4:15.  I need to be "more present" "more aware" of those in my space and be more in tune with what's going on around me.  Since I realize I will never see this young man again, I do the only thing I can... I pray for him several times throughout that day and in the days that followed.  I hope God has shown him a path of hope and of peace in his life.  Pope Francis said, "Help one another.  This is what Jesus teaches us.  This is what I do, and I do it with my heart."