That "Velvet" Time

My OB/GYN when my second was born said, "Enjoy this time; it's that 'velvet' time."  I looked at her and smiled, as if I knew what she meant, but I had no clue.  I went home, dove into caring and raising two instead of one, and I forgot about her comment.  As the years have passed, I have come to appreciate exactly what she meant, and I have even shared that little phrase with other "new" moms when I have encountered them during their "early" motherhood beginnings.  Now the hectic household is calm and quiet, the boys are off at college, and I find myself anticipating the holiday time we will get to share together, the four of us, like a "family" once again.  In my mind this family time we look forward to is the new "velvet" time!  It's full of familiar stories, laughter, hugs, good conversation, meals together, new stories from schools and rekindling and nurturing friendships with other families. 

I am making an effort not to get caught up, but to sit back and breath it all in.  As I look toward the next few weeks that I know will unfold like a treasured, soft blanket we dug out of Grandma's trunk around us, I will cherish our "velvet" time and try to be in the moment for as long as I can and for as much of it as I can.  Soaking it in this year, that's what I'm choosing to do.....

TEACH

I watched a CBS Special last week about teachers.  It was called "Teach" hosted by Queen Latifah.  It documented four teachers around the country, their class, the challenges they faced getting their kids, all of them, to improve, the lower-level learners, along with the higher-level learners.  As an aside, we all want to believe our kids, of course, are in the "higher" category, but let's face it, not all of them are, and this world is made up of many kinds of learners, all at different levels, and that is what makes our world a wonderful place.  
Back to the program:  It made me think about the teachers I had, growing up, who I enjoyed, who I didn't, and who I appreciate now, as an adult, looking back on their classroom demeanor and how they treated us as students.  Shout out to Mr. Rick Adkins for his constant enthusiasm for Biology.  Although I didn't go into the sciences, I appreciate what I learned in that class and the energy he brought every day, day in and day out!  I now work with hearing impaired college students who are taking Bio 101 and MicroBio and I can say that I am a bit more prepared for CARTing those classes for my students than I would have otherwise been.
I would also like to thank Mr. John Meis and Mr. Jerry Bond, two very proficient teachers who left everything on the table in their classrooms.  Mr. Meis taught English, something I use very often in my work now, and Mr. Bond taught me Science in Junior High.  He made it interesting, tolerated no "slackers" and brought humor into the classroom.  
Teachers, they have my full respect and support.  Their job is challenging, and it's never easy to "bring it" day in and day out!  Raising our boys in the Catholic School system from kindergarten up through high school was the best decision we ever made.  That is not to say there is anything wrong with public schools; we wanted to bring our faith into our boys' education.  
Thank you to the teachers who make the effort to not just "do" their job, but to realize the importance of their job and embrace the challenge of teaching our next leaders with enthusiasm, with humor, and fervor for learning.  Know that you are appreciated by this "Mom"!!

I'm counting on Frank

   We arrived home late last night, tired, emotionally wiped out, and thankful that our "home" when we come back from somewhere is San Diego, not too shabby of a place to live.  :)
   I didn't get as upset saying goodbye to C2 as I thought I would, perhaps because I had rehearsed over and over in my mind that I needed to be strong, for him, for me, for my pride.  I think, though, it was more that I saw how happy he was to be back among his peers, swimmers and nonswimmers alike, roommates he had handpicked to share this year's journey with him.  They looked so happy, all six of them, one on crutches.  Their parents, many of whom we had not met before, were awesome.  I enjoyed each and every one of them.  We all swarmed on the dorm, took to our respective son's room and unpacked them like the "pros" we have become.  Of course our sons were still hicking the stairs with "loose" items that would not fit in the gigantic carts they "lend" you to move your treasured son/daughter in with.  You have to practically sign your life away in order to use one.  They are handy, but they usually cannot fit everything that is needed, or should I say, "wanted" in a dorm room, so the kids continue to climb stairs while we make swift handiwork of the boxes and tubs that have arrived in the aforementioned "cart"!  We cleaned and hung clothes and organized the kitchen drawers and cupboards and when they were semi set up, we left them to do the rest.
  Then comes the trip to Target and the grocery store, both of which we did the next day.  We were too tired on day one, I think because of the stress of going through the process to get them six floors up in a building you are sure at least 2,000 students call "home" for the 2013-14 school year!  We brought along two other young men, who shall remain nameless but are near and dear to my heart, so we packed the rented Patriot Jeep to the roof!  Kevin even commented we should have rented a "topper" for it!  :)
  Then, after all is unfurled from the car, it is time to say goodbye, which takes me back to my surprise at my emotional goodbye, but not with the total sobbing I was afraid I would demonstrate!  Good.  Pride in tact, love left in those warm, wonderful hugs C2 is known for, and off we drive.  He is happy, settled in, and anticipating the best year ever!  My prayer is that is exactly what happens.  With God's hand on his shoulder, I am ever hopeful that his hard work and good decisions will pay off and he will flourish, again! 
  Goodbye, see you at Christmas...... now what?  It's these moments I think of Frank Sinatra, one of our family's favorite singers.  The "Turn Around" song about how fast the years of your children fly by.  Of course we don't see or feel that while we are in the midst of it, but it is nevertheless true; they, indeed, fly by.  Now they are men, less needing of me and my wisdom than ever. 
  It's in this moment that I think of another one of  Frank's songs:  "The Best Is Yet To Come"!  I look at Kevin and I think, the "best" has to be ahead, or what would be the point.  I'm counting on you, Frank....

The Migration

  What a twisted knot of emotions we go through as we "ready" our children and ourselves for the "college years"!  I know they are ready, they are excited, as am I, to see what the universe holds for them.  Yet, I find myself mourning the loss of our little boys and their dirty hands and loud giggles and pitter-patter of feet.  I know it's their time to "fly" and I want them to, but my heart is heavy.   

  It has begun.  We left with C1 last Thursday to navigate the I-8 through the desert to Phoenix.  It's a "dry" heat, you know, at 106!  We moved things, we ate, we shopped, we built, we cleaned, we barely slept, and we left, feeling like he was ready and excited to begin his new journey.  I have asked the Lord to keep his hand  on his shoulder, that he may feel guidance when he needs it, and maybe even when he thinks he doesn't!  :)  I am grateful he is settled.
  I found myself recalling on the drive home (for gosh sakes we had 6 hours) the moments we shared reading books and tickle times, watching him pull on his rubber boots in Seattle, because the yard was always damp, it seemed.  I remembered the sleeping bag sled he used to "slide" down the stairs, and how handsome he looked in his St. Brendan/Santa Sophia uniforms for school.  I coached him in parochial school, coached with him in parochial school, and his dad and I watched with pride as he swam his way to CIF Finals.  I loved seeing him in his lettermen's jacket on Wednesdays, tie on, because it was "tie day," heading off to Saints.  I loved hearing about his classes and the teachers, who always had a nickname, never their real names.  It is an experience, an all boys' school, rich with laughter, quirkiness, camaraderie, bonding as only "guys" can, and walking away knowing whenever, wherever you see another Saintsman, you have a friend.   
  Flashback to reality, and of course as I walk into the house, I peer into the ravaged room that once held all he was packing and now contains just the remnants of what he decided wasn't worthy of making the trek.  I will try, in the coming months to make "sense" of his room and maybe even "spruce" it up a bit, and I will keep remembering the "moments" because they make me smile and feel warm inside.....  
  This is the beginning of our empty nest.  Thankfully, for my heart, we have one journey left ahead: taking our youngest to his school and settling him in.  I see his room with piles of decisions made and yet to make, bags half packed, and I am thankful, very thankful, I get to see him return to the school he has come to love on the east coast.  There is time for mourning this loss later.  Now, I have to pack.  

Heros

I just returned from a conference in LA.  I forgot how much I love the Omni in downtown LA.  They know how to do it.  Anyway, I left there, as I always do, from the work I do, feeling blessed that I get to do what I do and moved by the folks I meet.  The was a conference for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing.  They come together, families and professionals, to learn, share, grow and motivate.  I am always inspired by the parents who may be struggling with the fact that their child is deaf but who are soldiering on and learning and asking questions and trying to be the best parent they can be to help their child.  My last presentation I wrote was a panel of parents, five families represented, all who have children with moderate to severe hearing loss.  They spoke about their journeys, all very different, but all very interesting.  I admired their tenacity, their love for their children, and their devotion to "getting it right" for them.  One mother explained she comes from a culture where if something isn't understood, it's shunned.  She and her husband had no choice but to do what they needed to for their two of four children who are deaf.  They learned sign and they made the decision to get them cochlear implants.  They embraced the ASL culture, learned it themselves along with their children.  They embraced the CI (cochlear implant) culture and they shared their experience with their very own native culture.  One couple left everything they knew and loved and moved to the US just to give their child a chance of hearing better.  One mom tells the story of her daughter being in the car from sun up to sun down, traveling from school to speech therapy to a special tutor.  These are blue collar, hard-working families who never questioned "why" they were in this situation, but they dealt with it the best way they knew how, and it was pretty impressive. 
We all throw the word "hero" around.  These parents would not see themselves as heros, but I do.  These are days when after a lot of writing and tired hands, I still love what I do..........

Summer is halfway over, and I have yet to create a "list" for the dorm necessities that accompany moving the guys to their respective schools.  For CD2, this is his second year, a "better" space for living in, so he is excited!  He moved himself out, which saved us hundreds in travel fees.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about going to the storage unit and finding that in the haste of his wanting the "move" to be done and to get to his plane to come home, things will be a strewn and packed less "neatly" than I would have done it, but alas, I am in the new mode of letting go of that kind of thing and "rolling" with it!  :)  Whatever I find, I will deal with, and with a few spendy items added to the already well-stocked dorm supply, he will be "good" and happy, I'm sure.  I confess, I love that his wall hangings include embracing his Irish heritage and a much wanted sign from one of his favorite shows, "SOA"!  Those are items that set him apart from the other guy living in the room, and I like that.  The big "deal"?  He gets to share a bathroom with only one dorm mate, rather than all 5!  :)
I confess, the list for my older guy is a bit more lengthy and a bit more confusing.  After he moved home from UOP, his stuff went into storage.  Then we took it out, repurposed it for CD2, and I don't think there is much left.  Trying to start over, but with perhaps a bit more discretion and discernment.  I think this time it will be a "team" effort (CD1 and me) regarding the "list" and what should be on it.  I am apprehensive and excited for this one.  I know he must have some fears, doing this again, and some anxiety, doing this again, but my prayer is that maturity and experience will show themselves to his dorm room and give him the wisdom and strength to give himself the best possible chance for the best possible outcome. Picture me in a cheerleading outfit with the letter "C" on it and my pom-poms shaking all over the place.  That is me, for him.  Oh, one more thing, my rosary in my skirt pocket, because I really need God to be "on call" for me at this point!  Go get 'em, Son.  I KNOW you have it in you.  Leave no doubt...........

It's About Respect

I spent this past week at a conference where I listened to many presenters speak about, in summary, fitting in, finding a place in society where one can feel equal with a yearning for respect, NOT pity, but respect, equality.  I found myself pondering the points made and thinking about my own actions, or reactions, to those who are different than me.  I have taken independence and dignity for granted.  This week made me realize how closely those are tied to our sense of "self worth" and the pride that comes from accomplishing things on one's own.  I know what I am sharing is not ground breaking or some big revelation; it's merely reflection.

It is good, I think, to "reflect" on our level of sensitivity, to be cognizant of how we approach others and how we can be better "listeners" and not "reactors."  I am a "fixer."  Fixing is what comes to me naturally.  There is a problem, I seek solution, I do research, I do my homework, and I find tools to help, to guide, to make things better.  In my flurry of "doing" I am not always being an "active" listener. 

Today, this day, I will begin to actively "listen."


"You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them"

Among the "Employed"

We count ourselves lucky that both of our sons are working; I know many college-age students who are still looking.  There is nothing like work to contribute to one's character and to help our boys see that work can be sometimes very boring, difficult, not fun, but necessary!  Their paychecks can also help them see just how fast money can leave your bank account if you aren't careful!  Swimming took a huge chunk of their time (and still does for one son)  so their work in high school was around the house, doing "extras" to earn some cash, but that doesn't compete with earning one's "own" money and then practicing fiscal responsibility in order to "hold on" to it! 
It's so mind-blowing to me that all of those years ago when KD and I started "Daddy & Me" swim classes, when the boys were not yet 6 months old, that they would both end up swimming at a high level competitively and working in jobs that utilize that knowledge and skill.  I was a lifeguard in high school and beyond; it was simply important to us that our boys be comfortable in the water.  When we moved to San Diego in 1999, it was imperative that our boys learn to appreciate, respect and swim in the ocean.  "Thank you" SD Junior Lifeguards!!  If you live here, the ocean is a huge part of the culture, and being comfortable in it is very important.  JGs were a huge part of their lives in middle school years, and it taught them many, many things.  Never in a million years, when CD was 6 months old did I think water would play such a huge role in his life.  To me, watching my boys' lives take shape, so far, is reinforcement that God has the plan, and we are merely watching it unfold before us. 

The time passed so quickly, as it does when we age!  We walked, we golfed, we soaked in the hot tub, we laughed, we drank, we were definitely "merry" and we caught up on our lives, our interests, and yes, on our kids (now young adults), the reason we all came together in the first place.  I rode in M's car through the pass and thought of how I loved the "smell" of the trees and the fresh rain, the beauty of the mountains.  The mountains have always felt like "home" for me.  I digress....

My Moms' Retreat has ended, and I am a bit sad, but my heart sings with all of the wonderful stories shared, the lives our own kids have made and are making for themselves and sings with the tune about how you can be apart for so long, yet always pick right back up where you left off.  That is the sign of friendship and that is what I experience each and every time I return to SB Moms' Retreat. 

Thank you for the love, for the laughs, for teaching me "flip cup"!  Thank you for dancing, for singing, for great food made with love and for your time, which in this day and age is the most important of gifts we can give to each other. 

Until next time, ladies .......

It is almost here, my "Moms' Retreat," with all of my St. Brendan moms whose friendship I have enjoyed and missed since moving to SD.  What brought us together was the St. Brendan's parish school, where our kids attended K-8th.  I left Seattle now 14 years ago, yet the bond remains. Those same kids are now college graduates or working toward that, and our friendship stands.  Oh it's not like we talk every other week; we don't, but it is always like picking right back up where we left off, and this time in a totally new "phase" of our lives.  We started a tradition way back when the kids were very young of traveling to a small resort on the Wenatchee River for a three or four-day weekend, whatever our schedules would allow.  When we all come together, the friendship and the love we share is palpable.  Our backgrounds are a myriad of careers, lifestyles, education, passions, but our faith is the constant, the common ground, raising our kids in Catholic school:  The Millennial Generation. I find myself anxious to catch up and hear how some of my favorite kids' moms are coping with empty nest, menopause, relationship challenges, night sweats, and staying active, physically and mentally.  I can't wait for hugs and joy and the all-out laughter that permeates the condo as we all, for whatever small moments, become intertwined once again.  Though it has been some years since we have gathered around the swimming pool with our favorite beverage in hand, smelling like cocoa butter and exchanging lunch ideas, we will pick right back up, though now, I foretell, it will be about wine and vacations abroad, favorite gourmet meals, goals reached, retirements ahead, our now young adults finding work, leaving the nest for good or moving back, and husbands who, yet again, are making due without us because they know this is "our" time and "our" moment.  I wonder if we will become those ladies who when they are old wear purple?  I hope so ......

Summer: My favorite time

As summer lays waiting to spread itself over us like a cool, salty wave I find myself relishing this time more than ever.  Perhaps it's because my boys are growing older and I know that our summers as a "family unit" are numbered, so it feels very special to have both boys home.  I find myself looking forward to some noise, lots of music, video games played with friends, backyard fires in the fire pit and making "favorite" dishes for the family.  With one year "down" for CD2 and looking ahead to a "new beginning" for CD, optimism is on the horizon and it feels good.  I have a camping trip planned near the beach in June and an August beach house rented for a week on Mission Bay.  This summer has the potential for some wonderful memories.  The house will buzz and the goal will be to treasure the "moments" we have.  Ah, summertime, please stay awhile.....

In May of 2011 CD returned home....... for good.  Pacific turned out not to be the place, the school, for him.  There is no blame.  CD secured some lasting friendships with a few swimmers who we are very fond of.  Community college was his path these last two years.  It was God's plan, I believe, for CD to come home.  He stopped swimming, graduated from the Open Water Lifeguard Academy, went to work as a Guard at Coronado High School pool and on the San Diego Bay.  During this reprieve at home we discovered CD has ADHD.  His level of competitive swimming kept this at bay. When he stopped swimming, it hit us like a freight train running full speed ahead, and we were not prepared to deal with it.  Of course we had noticed some of the symptoms of this, but we had not put it all together, until his behavior, his lack of focus, constantly losing things, impulsiveness all came crashing down.  It was a process to get the diagnosis, and another process to help him find good people to help him figure things out, give him tools, help us to help him, and yes, to find a drug that would help him keep his mind quiet enough to function, especially academically. CD is set to transfer to college come fall, and we are trying to get everything into place to make sure he has a successful transition and can focus on his studies to become an Athletic Trainer, a career I can picture him excelling in. 
In the meantime, our second son, CD2, finished up his swim career in high school with his club team and was offered a swimming scholarship to attend Loyola University in Baltimore, MD.  His freshman year is almost over.  It has passed quickly, although I have missed him dearly.  CD2 is studying journalism, with a minor in photography, and he is thriving.  He has built his village well, and his friends are solid.  It has been fun to watch him grow into this young man who knows what he wants and is living out his convictions.

I have found this stage of my life to be challenging, to be full of ups and downs and to be one of the most important for my boys, as I need to be the rock they can look to and count on.  When they were younger and boogie boarding, swimming or surfing in the ocean, they would always pick a guard tower as their "landmark" so if the currents carried them too far down the beach, they knew where they needed to come back to in order to "center" themselves, and they could then find where I was sitting.  It is much the same now.  I need to be their "guard tower" so if they get lost or thrown off course, they can find me and "center" themselves.  I'm more than okay with that.  Being a mom is about 'whatever it takes.'